oh, it's me :)

my "ideal life" flashed before my eyes and it made me dizzy!!!! with excitement!!! lol!

hi :) it's just that at the start of this year, i started the book Simple Abundance by Sara Ban Breathnach, and in it, she asks readers to list down their most secret longings, instead of writing new year's resolutions.

and this glimpse of a possibility tops my secretest longings list :D

ha! if it's meant to be it shall come to pass, and if not, at least this past five minutes, my heart had a good workout :P

long time no vv

hello, long time no vv ;)

i guess i've been feeling guilty about being me. hehe. so thought i'd hide out for a while. about lots of things really. but i guess there's no sense in hiding. and here i am, 10 things about v.

1. i am getting really obsessed about clothes. haha. it's so fun. and i don't even mean dressing up to go out out or even to go out. i just mean dressing up to live your life. the way we do so we're not going about butt nekkid :P. it's just that i just got home from abroad, and that's exciting right? because you get to see new things, new clothes worn in new ways, and your old clothes through new eyes.

"i love your doc martens, let me kiss your doc martens" - RENT soundtrack

i had just about given up on my doc martens from years ago but wore them again today. love it. i am loving all pics oonline of boots worn with skirts/ dresses/ skinny jeans/tights and boots, especially slouchy flat boots. i love that the weather this week has been cool so you can wear skirts and dresses and not feel cold when you wear boots. and who wants to wear open shoes or normal shoes when the streets are so wet with the rain?

i feel slightly ashamed to be too much into clothes. when friends are all preoccupied with saving the world, and helping those in need, and surviving, and all i can think about is how nice this goes with this and this one too. and at my age!

haaaay. but, i love it though.

accidentally, an hour ago i caught this part in the nightly SATC rerun on Velvet (ch 53): carrie calls her friend's machine and goes, "hi, this is carrie bradshaw. i called to tell you that i am getting married. to myself. and i am registered at manolo blahnik."

yes, that episode ;)

June is such a drag

June is such a drag.

Iloilo became a raging sea. My cousin's family had to be rescued from their rooftop! They had a second floor but the water reached the second floor. They had to sail to safety on board an upturned table, dragging themselves away via rope.

My friend's family had to hightail it to their second floor, and their house has never been flooded before. Now they are cleaning it out but how to clean with no running water, a muddy well, no electricity. Who wants to clean when it's all mud anyway, all your furniture pickled in slime, no dry mattresses, nothing to sleep on, no food in the probably dead refrigerator, nothing cooking in the probably dead stove. And the dear oldies are stressed, stressed, stressed, no such thing as the comfort that was home. So trying to pick up the pieces. Now they need to buy again almost every piece of furniture/ appliance they ever had. Multiply this same story several hundred times.

My other friend's brother-in-law had to swim through 2-3 kilometers of highway to find food for his family, so submerged and swampy was their subdivision.

My friend's friend's family also upped and moved to their second floor. Their dad went down to get some clothes, they wondered what took him so long. And the next thing was he was floating in the water.

It took two days for rescuers to get near a boat that capsized. Two days! Can you imagine being tossed in a stormy sea for half an hour? Let alone two days? For those two days, mostly everyone knew about the upturned ship through the tv and the radio but the weather was bad, and perhaps, the inertia was the same. How hopeless. It took more than two days for the shipping line to make any statement to the growing mob of relatives keeping vigil by all their offices.

It took the electric company fifteen hours to respond to our calls for assistance as our electric post sparked and left our five houses in a row without electricity last night.

This is the problem when my assumption is that life should be a bed of roses.

inconsequential biggies

1. MY CURRENT FAVORITE FOOD are saba (oh yes, go boiled bananas! hehehe), spaghetti (this is a newbie, as in I crave spaghetti with red sauce), yogurt shake, wheat bread, rice! Yes! Go carbs! Hahahaha. Nah, I just have a newfound appreciation and respect for rice after being not into it for a bit. Most things are good in moderation, and especially good after deprivation. Hihihi.

2. MY NEW HAPPY SECRET THING (unless you read this blog, or you're my friend who shouted my name from a tricycle last week) is long walks around the village on late afternoons. Very happy. Very nice before the June solstice. It gets dark so late. Very calm it makes me feel, air pollution, street crime and all. Hehe.

3. MY NEW NOTHAPPY SECRET THING (unless you read this blog) is crying myself to sleep at night for things that come to mean the most (emotionally) in the dark in bed.

4. MY OTHER SECRET THING is dancing to Persephone when I'm alone, dancing like Ellen Degeneres, hehehe.

5. MY CURRENT/LONGTERM ADDICTION is scrabulous and scramble on facebook. So fun!

6. MY BEST MOMENT IN THE LAST 7 DAYS was a counseling "moment" with this girl. Yes!

7. I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO becoming the "secret woman" I catch glimpses of now and then as the hours blur into days and the days into weeks. The one who's responsible for herself, in all senses of the wor(l)d.

post #1,001

i feel surprisingly genuinely light-hearted today.

which is a surprise.

which feels genuine.

just think. if you find me kinda trying, just imagine how i must feel!

i have no choice but to live with myself!

so, contrary to the sound advice of ms. caroline myss (and if there's one thing you need to do in your life, it is to read her),

i have thought of several things that could have contributed to my feeling well:

i have finally found the perfect spot for my electric fan.
i have finally perfected the art of mood lighting for my bedroom.
i feel physically lighter than i have in months (probably due to blood loss)

wala lang. ms. myss wins.

you want to go out sometime? :P

imagine my chagrin when i suddenly realized that i had failed to cover the topic of "panliligaw" in the last gender-sensitivity training for young women (among many other things i failed to cover :P but this one finding glared at me from the post-training diagnostic sheets).

well, you know, that women can, if they want to. or more to the point, as my mentor sis explained, females need not sit cooling their heels for males to make the first move. it would be perfectly all right for women to express their feelings to men, on their own initiative/ volition. doing so does not take away from their worth as persons (the usual putdown: "cheap"), even adding to it as they are able to be confidently themselves.

i was so distressed by my omission that my sister documentor took it upon herself (also after my desperate suggestion, but actually doing so to my great amusement)to stage-whisper to each of our workshop participants, "puwede ka manligaw!" as each one came up on stage to receive our congratulatory kisses and a diploma for completing the 3-day training.

however, notwithstanding my strong convictions on this matter, i am actually a card-carrying member of the skittish clan of lurkers-secret-stalkers-and-across-the-room-gazers. i stack my hopes and romantic desires in my heart and stare longingly across the room/the road/ the seas/ the continents/the world, hoping against hope. i was born silly, that way!

i quake in my wedges thinking of coming in from the cold. you know when you're in crush with someone you don't know and who doesn't know you? how do you parachute yourself into someone's life and come up charming? the princess charming come to get to know the knight in no distress?

wala lang. just imagining myself asking someone for coffee and dying. i kid you not.

carrie's dream closet

hey :)

saw sex and the city movie with hb last night, and it was a lovely little film, not the least because we're fans. have always followed the lives of those four women because, notwithstanding the sexualization (or glamorizing of sex), the romanticisation of so-called women's "choices", and the crass commercialism/materialism (that super ugly LV bag, hello?!?), there's still so much there that women like us (not in our early twenties, have undergone many ups and downs in our love lives) can relate to like the very real love/ friendship, the characters' endearing humanity, and their hopes and dreams. (completely forgetting for the moment, that hb and i have had much imagined/real fixation with New York City, hehehe, her for their scholarship year there, and me for a previous love interest. oh, and the shoes :P). oh, and in the end, they all ended up with really lovely men (including the villainous Mr. Big). see, loads of reasons.

and, it got me to thinking (on a new track, seeing as i do too much thinking already, anyway). and i thought that in some ways, some of life's more complicated problems are really quite simple. so simple that we can miss them for years. much like i can read the long words from the twisted -- up, down, diagonal, and across -- letters in a game of scramble/boggle, but often miss the words made up by directly aligned letters.

like the fact that, you can probably can actually tell (:p) which men in your life really do love you. they are the ones who actually care about how you feel. so simple but it's become so complicated. notwithstanding the roles out there that are so easy for us to play, that culture has so helpfully laid out all ready for us to assume (like the maligned suffering woman, the insensitive adulterous man, the ultra caring nurturing woman, the charming abusive dick), hence making it extra difficult to find and be our true authentic selves, the truth is that we are worth loving (despite ourselves, and despite the men who don't), and there are men out there who truly care (despite the men who don't, and despite them being themselves). but it gets so convoluted and we women will fail to weed out the ones who don't care (which we could have probably clearly seen after a few attempts), and then we die trying to make them care (a bit like rushing into rocks repeatedly). it's not helped that many times, those who don't give a rat's ass, really, will also make it appear like they do, occasionally. or that by this time, we'd have made ourselves care for them genuinely, that they themselves will find it impossible to let go of being loved up so nicely by us. we provide them endless, as one of my old fashioned psych books call it, "narcissistic supplies".

Plenty of work *
Valid during several weeks: At this time you will throw your ego energies into working hard and getting things done. Now you are much more able to defer tomorrow's pleasure for today's work. In fact you are likely to take considerable pride in how much work you can do during this time. So the best way to handle this energy is to find plenty of work and do it. You may not want to work for someone else; instead, you want the credit for your accomplishments yourself, so that you are identified with what you do. This can lead to conflicts with your superiors and general difficulty in your work situation. Even if you are the employer, there may be difficulty if the people who work for you feel that you are not giving them enough credit. The best solution is to maneuver yourself into a position where you don't have to work with or for others any more than necessary.

The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Mars in the 6th House, 6, from 15:24
activity period from 12 May 2008 until beginning of July 2008[turn off]Show the love horoscope for this transit (L)

AIdolist

my top 12? (11!)

1. david "imagine" archuleta!
2. michael "bohemian rhapsody" johns
3. jason "hallelujah" castro
4. david "happy together" cook
5. david hernandez

6. brooke "you're so vain" white
7. ramiele "pinay" malubay
8. amanda overmyer
9. carly smithson
10. syesha mercado
11. asia'h epperson

:p

I am happy to report that the addiction is waning. (Though not fading away.)